Parenting After Divorce: 9 Ways to Parent on Your Own Terms

Whether you are recently divorced or have been for some time, don’t worry that you have ruined your child’s life. You haven’t. While divorce can be a big part of your child’s life, what will determine their ultimate quality of life is still in the hands of each parent.

Can children be affected negatively by their parent’s divorce? Does divorce lead to behavior problems in kids? Most certainly. But it’s important to understand that children are not necessarily doomed because of a divorce. There’s plenty you can do as a parent to make this difficult time easier.

Let’s take a closer look at a few everyday situations that arise in divorce families and how you can best handle them so that your child doesn’t get caught in the crossfires.

1. It’s Okay to Parent Differently From Your Ex

One of the reasons you got divorced might have been because you had a hard time agreeing with your spouse on most things. Being divorced is not going to make that any easier. The good news is that your ex cannot tell you what to do when you have the kids. And, of course, you can’t tell them what to do, either—or how to parent.Here’s an important rule: you are the only one in charge when your kids are with you. The key is to make rules and enforce those that support your principles. Expect your child to follow your home’s rules, and don’t worry about what is going on in your ex’s home.

Of course, it is beneficial to work together with your ex when it comes to parenting your child, if possible. You can suggest things, let your ex know your concerns, listen to and consider their concerns, and then decide for yourself what you will or won’t do. You can try to discuss your parenting ideas, but if your ex is not on board, stay focused on your parenting values in your home. In other words, focus your energies on the things over which you have control.

2. Disengage When Your Ex Complains About Your Parenting Style

The answer to your ex if they complain about your parenting is to say:

“Thank you for the input, but I’m good with how I’m doing things.”

If they continue to complain, again repeat:

“I’m comfortable with how I’m handling things.”

Don’t engage in any more conversations about this topic. And don’t let your ex drag you down into a fight.

Along the same lines, don’t go crazy about how your ex is parenting. What matters is how you parent when your kids are with you. Even if you only have your child part-time, your parenting influence matters greatly and it’s something you control.

3. Don’t Put Your Child in the Middle

Children can get caught in the middle when parents put them in the middle. Therefore, don’t talk to them about your ex in a way that will force them to take sides. Kids don’t want to take sides—they want to be free of worrying about the other parent when they are with you.

4. When Kids Play Parents off Each Other

A by-product of divorce is that sometimes kids will play parents off one another. It’s a source of power for them that, quite frankly, often works. You’ll hear things like, “Mom says that I don’t have to go for extra help at school if I don’t want to.” Or, “Dad lets me stay up until 10 p.m.” The bottom line is that children will often use that edge to manipulate you to get what they want.

5. How to Manage Your Child’s Transition Between Homes

Many kids have difficulty transitioning back and forth between homes each week. On the day they arrive home, they might act out by throwing tantrums, having outbursts, or by “acting in” and shutting the door to their room and refusing to speak.

Why do they do this? They might be testing you to see if you are strong and steady. They may have kept it together with the other parent and now are letting loose with you. They may be expressing their anger at the disruption in their lives and their wish for you to be back together as a family. Sometimes kids will be a problem on purpose because they hope their parents will get together around this “difficult child.”

Be empathetic to the feelings that might drive these behaviors. After all, your kids are being impacted by something they don’t have control over and probably didn’t want.

Keep in mind, though, that you do not need to put up with the behavior if it crosses the line and becomes disrespectful or inappropriate. When you talk with your child about it, you might first acknowledge their legitimate feelings.

6. How to React When Your Child ‘Overfunctions’

Kids react to divorce in different ways. They may begin to overachieve or underachieve. Or, they may act out or withdraw. Some may even try to take on the missing parent’s role and act too adult-like instead of a child, which psychologists refer to as overfunctioning. Overfunctioning is a way that people deal with anxiety by being over-responsible for others, and it’s not effective or helpful for either person.

Children often overfunction for their parents after a divorce because there’s a vacuum that’s been left. They move right into it because they feel like they have to fill the missing parent’s role. It’s a way to deal with the stress of the breakup. What will help your child the most is to assure them that the best thing to do right now is just to be a kid and live their own lives as best they can.

As a parent, you can remind your child by your actions and your words that they do not need to take care of you. Although you are going through a rough period, reassure them that you can take care of yourself and your family.

7. Understand Why Your Child Acts Out

There are many reasons why kids react. Here are some of the most common:

• They feel out of control.
• They’re angry, sad, or scared about the unwanted changes in their life.
• They hope the parents will get back together.
• They’re testing the new boundaries.
• They’re trying to push you to be strong.
• They feel like the divorce is their fault.

Some kids act out right after a divorce in an attempt to push you to be strong. If your child is acting out, it helps to understand that their behavior might be coming from their anxiety about the divorce. It makes kids nervous when their parents seem to have lost strength. If your kid is pushing you in all different ways, it could be that they’re hoping to see a parent that doesn’t break.

If that’s going on in your home, you can again empathize and understand where these behaviors might be coming from, but you don’t have to put up with them. Let your child know that it will be most helpful to be more cooperative and not give you a hard time. Then set limits and follow through with consequences consistently.

8. Don’t Forego Consequences Out of Guilt

Many kids act out and misbehave due to the stress and anxiety of their parents’ split. As a result, many parents skip giving consequences after a divorce because they feel guilty about what they have done to their child’s life. They forego consequences because they blame themselves for their child’s behavior.

Although the feelings of guilt are understandable and expected, skipping consequences is not effective and doesn’t help your child.Effective consequences teach your child how to manage their feelings appropriately, and they need these skills now more than ever.

Remember, the best thing you can do for your child right now is to be consistent. Yes, be empathetic to your kids—they are going through a rough time, too. But hold the line when they cross the line. The limits you set and enforce provide much-needed structure during this difficult time.

If your teen keeps breaking curfew, give them the same consequence you would have given before. If your 10-year-old calls you names and screams in your face, again, follow through with some appropriate discipline.

Be sure to talk with your child after everyone has calmed down and find out what’s going on with them. Be open to talk about the divorce and their feelings around it if the subject comes up. Let them talk and listen to what they have to say. Sometimes your child just needs to vent.

9. Accept the Fact That You May Fall Apart

Understand that it is normal and natural to fall apart right after the divorce. Divorce marks the end of a relationship, and there is a grieving process we go through when we call it quits with our spouse—regardless of how amicable the split is. You may feel overwhelmed, sad, angry, and less patient in general.

Your child’s behavior will likely be affected as well. They will go through their own grieving process, but added to that are their worries about their parents, how to transition between Mom and Dad’s home, how to deal with each home’s rules, and what the future will hold.

But here’s the truth: you are entitled to fall apart. You do not have to hide all your sad and difficult feelings from your child. This is different from over-sharing with your child or telling them too much about your personal life or your relationship with your ex. Over-sharing is a mistake because it forces your child into an adult position, making them your confidant. It can also create a bias against the other parent. So, instead of over-sharing, just let your child know you are having a hard time and that you will get better.